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IDLE MOMENTS 

IN FLORIDA 
GEORGE V. HOBART 



IDLE MOMENTS 

IN FLORIDA 



BY 

GEORGE V. HOBART 




NEW ^^ffir^ YORK 
GEORGE H. DORAN COMPANY 






COPYRIGHT, 1921* 
BY GEORGE H. DORAN COMPANY 






APR ~2 i92l 

PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA 

0)CLA608962 



TO 

MY FRIENDS, THE ROTARIANS, 

IN ST. AUGUSTINE 



Thanks are extended to the Sf. Augus- 
tine Record for permission to reprint 
some of the articles contained herein. 

G. V. H. 



CONTENTS 

PAGE 

On the Way 13 

With Uncle Gilbert 23 

St. Augustine 31 

Music Hath Charms 44 

Palm Beach 55 

Snap Shots 65 

Miami 73 

Mr. Eidel Weiss 82 

Come Ye Back! 88 

The Book of Ro Tary 92 



IDLE MOMENTS 
IN FLORIDA 



IDLE MOMENTS 

IN FLORIDA 



ON THE WAY 

Say I 

Did you ever bid a gay 
And fond farewell 
To a Northern Cold Spell, 
Grab your hat, 
Leave the Bliz flat 
And breeze off to Florida 
Where it's torrid? Ah! 
That's a pleasurable jaunt I 
And all you want 
To make it complete 
Is a neat 
Package of Kale 
So you can be a hale 
Fellow well met 
When you get 
Up against the Hotel Bill, 
Which will 
Peek 

Around corners at you and seek 
You out; it doesn't matter where 
13 



14 IDLE MOMENTS IN FLORIDA 

You may hide, it will stare 

At you and haunt 

You unless you flaunt 

Good Coin in its presence and chase 

It away by throwing in its face 

A handful of Iron Men, 

Then 

It will get up and leave 

The room and you can heave 

A deep sigh. 

Or the water pitcher, and try 

To forget the horrors it brings 

When it rings 

Your bell— 

For, truth to tell. 

There's only one manner in which to Kill 

A Hotel Bill, 

And that is to pour Kale 

On its tail 

Until it screams for mercy. 

What a curse he 

Put upon mankind, the gink who 

Drew 

The plans and 

Specifications for the first grand 

Fashionable Hotel Bill, 

And taught travelers to spill 

Their coin in a Landlord's till! 

Well, be that as it may! 

I started out to say 

That it's a gay 

Jaunt down Florida way I 



ONTHEWAY 15 

In the first place 

The train service is a case 

Of wait 

For eight 

Weeks or more 

Before 

You can get the sales gent 

In the Ticket Office to consent 

To part 

With a smart 

Little Lower ; 

And he's much slower 

If you have a great 

Deal of money and want a state 

Room, because of the loud 

Murmuring crowd, 

Clamoring in front of the wicket 

Which separates the ticket 

Sellers 

From the yellers 

Who are wildly offering gold 

And precious stones and every old 

Thing 

For a chance to fling 

The grip-sack 

In the rack. 

And hear the Conductor shout, ''AH 

A'board!"— it's the Call 

Of the Sunny 

South ! — and if you have the money 

It's some joyous way 

To burn it — say! 



16 IDLE MOMENTS IN FLORIDA 

Did you ever glide 

Through the Carolinas and slide 

Past the Georgia cotton-fields in 

A Train de Luxe? It's a sin 

If you haven't ridden 

In a Happy Wagon with your feet hidden 

In a plush 

Carpet; where you blush 

With pride 

As you slide 

Into a barber's chair 

And have your hair 

Trimmed all the way 

From Washington, D. C, to, let us say, 

Raleigh, N. C. 

Gee! 

What a trimming you can get 

On one of those pet 

De Luxe trains 

Where it simply rains 

Luxury, and all that! 

And what a fat 

Chance your face has when 

Now and then 

The cars swerve 

Around a curve 

And the barber slips 

And chips 

A slice 

Off the north-eastern end of your nice 

Home-made chin; 

But you must grin 



ONTHEWAY 17 

And bear 

It, remembering that the fare 

Is only ten dollars 

A minute more, and he who hollers 

Is a piker, anyway ! 

Say I 

If by one of Fortune's flukes 

You get rich, grab a De Luxe I 

You'll love it! 

To the roof above it 

In each car 

Are 

Elevators — oh, yes! 

There must be, else why do they assess 

Each passenger a Liberty bond 

For the fond 

Privilege of riding therein? 

And you can take a spin 

In your roadster on the fast track 

Just back 

Of and behind 

The engine before it joins the blind 

Baggage car; 

And there are 

Also delightful promenades where one 

Or two may run 

Or stroll 

And tell droll 

Stories as the train speeds 

Into the night, and if one needs 

A bath, there 

Must be a swimming pool somewhere 



18 IDLE MOMENTS IN FLORIDA 

On the De Luxe, and for exercise 

A delightful bowling alley, otherwise 

Why all those loud cries 

For extra fares? 

At any rate, there's 

A gold-plaited observation car 

Where the trained porters are 

Crowded coyly in the dust room, 

Forever pointing a whisk-broom 

In your direction and singing 

In ringing 

Accents, ''Doan slip me nickels, 

Doan slip me dimes; 

Dese yer days is 

Mighty ha'd times! 

I brush yo' clothes. 

Slip me a dollah ! — 

Make it six bits 

And I ain't gwiner hollah! — 

Hallelujah — hallelujah — amen !'* 

But then 

When 

One travels de luxe one must do 

As the other de luxers and strew 

Backsheesh from Broadway 

To Bimini Bay, 

Fla. 

If not. 

You've got 

To join the Crab Contingent and be 

As close as the bark on a tree — 

But the 



ONTHEWAY 19 

Bark on a tree doesn't travel, so 

It can set no 

Good example to mankind; 

And you'll find 

Nowadays 

That it pays 

To place alms 

In outstretched palms, 

Otherwise you'll miss boats, trains, ferries, 

Early strawberries, 

Good seats in the bald-headed row 

For a girl show, 

And you'll grow 

To hate yourself 

If you cold-storage your pelf; 

And no bell-hop 

Will ever stop 

And hint 

That he has a blue print 

Of just how to get you a gill of grog; 

And you'll jog 

Through life with a bitter taste 

In your mouth if you don't waste 

An occasional dime 

And chime 

In with 

A reluctant quarter when Smith, 

The waiter, bespeaks 

You a hopeful ''Good Evening!" and seeks 

To know if he 

Shall put a few ice in your iced-tea, 

Or more chicory 



^0 IDLE MOMENTS IN FLORIDA 

In your yellow coffee ; 
For If, in parsimony's name, you lay off, he 
Will probably 
Put the ice 
In his nice 

Clean, white (maybe) vest pocket and stray 
Away 

Out of your life forever. 
But never 

Be it said that I wade knee- 
Deep in philosophy 
All day when we 
Are on a trip to Florida — so 
Let's go I 
From the mo 
You arrive In the Land 
Of Sunshine and Flowers and stand 
In the grand 
Little depot in Jax. 
The climate backs 

Into your presence with a hearty "How d'ye 1" 
No rowdy 

Breeze from the North is there; 
The air 

Is full of soft, cooing zephyrs that stare 
In well-bred surprise 
At the size 
Of your overcoat, 
And then float 
Around and sneer a little at 
That 
Red, gray, green and blue 



ONTHEWAY 21 

Muffler you 

Have wrapped around your epiglottis — 

They're hep how hot is 

The burden you're carrying, 

And they're tarrying 

To see you open the muffler and try 

To get into High 

Without the Polar Bear Benny 

Or any 

Of those 

Northern warmth-coazer clothes 

During your brief stay 

In Jax. Sayl 

Jax is the way 

You mention Jacksonville when 

You're short of breath, d'ye ken? 

And so 

Let's go I 

Off through jungle lands afar 

In our de-luxified car; 

With a blue sky 

On high 

Smiling o'er a Land of Romance 

Where sunbeams dance 

On distant waters ; where 

The air 

Is like rare 

Old wine; 

Where the snuggling vine 

Entwines 

The Pines; 

Where gray 



22 IDLE MOMENTS IN FLORIDA 

And hoary mosses in wild disarray- 
Have hung 
Among 

The oaks since Time was young. 
Where the throbbing throats 
Of wild birds sing sweet notes 
Of welcome, and where 
Care 
May be 

Buried so easily 
In yielding sand 
In the Land 
Of Happy Hours — 
Of Sunshine and of Flowers. 



WITH UNCLE GILBERT 

When Uncle Gilbert Hawley learned that we con- 
templated spending several weeks in Florida he 
invited us to come straightway to his mansion in St. 
John's county, and from there he'd take us on a 
motor trip through the State. 

Of course, we knew what a wildly hilarious time 
we'd have splashing out small talk to the collection 
of Northern human bric-a-brac always to be found 
at Uncle Gilbert's, but then we wouldn't be there 
long — we'd be off and away in the motor, and, 
besi'des, what is one going to do when the richest 
old gink in the family waves a beckoning arm? 

I'll tell you what one is going to do — one is going 
to take to one's o'sullivans, beat it rapidly to a choo- 
choo, and float into Uncle Gilbert's presence with 
business of being tickled to death — that's what one 
is going to do. 

You know Nature has a few immutable laws, and 
one is that even a rich old uncle must in the full 
course of time pass on and leave nephews and nieces. 
Leave them what? Ah! that's it! Pass the time- 
table, please ! 

Hawleysville is out in the Florida potato country, 
about ten miles from Hastings, and it's some burg — 

23 



24 IDLE MOMENTS IN FLORIDA 

nearly eleven houses, eleven barns, eleven cows, 
eleven dogs and one street. 

Uncle Gilbert wrote It all himself. 

He owns a lot of things In Florida. He has 
orange groves, potato groves, alligator groves, 
grapefruit groves, rattlesnake groves and, If there 
are any other kinds of groves, he has those, too. 

Uncle Gilbert has nearly all the money there is 
in the world. Every time he signs a check a national 
bank goes out of existence. He tried to count it all 
once, but he sprained his wrists and had to stop. 

On the level, when he goes Into a bank all the 
government bonds get up and yell, *'Hello, Papa I** 

When he cuts coupons It's like a sheep shearing. 

He has muscles all over him like a prize fighter 
just from lifting mortgages. 

When we finally reached the Hawley mansion 
after an exciting trip over the Dixie Highway we 
found there a scene of great excitement. Old and 
distant relations were bustling up and down the 
stone steps, talking in whispers; servants with scared 
faces and popping eyes were peeping around the cor- 
ner of the house, and in the roadway in front of a 
sobbing automobile stood Uncle Gilbert and Aunt 
Miranda, made up to look like two members of the 
Peary expedition at the Pole. 

After the formal greetings we were soon put hep 
to the facts in the case. 

"We're getting ready to take you all through 
Florida !" murmured Aunt Miranda, after casting 
an anxious glance In the direction of the busy Uncle 
Gilbert, who was testing out the alarm-shrleker on 



WITH UNCLE GILBERT 25 

a car that made its debut as a dashing soubrette back 
in — well, at a guess, let us say 1909. 

"Good for you, Aunt Miranda," I replied; "it 
surely is kind of you and Uncle Gilbert to map out a 
trip like that for us. Shall we go all the way to 
Miami in the College Yell?" 

"The College Yell?" she echoed. 

"Yes, the Rah-Rah-Rah wagon," I explained. 

"Oh!" she sighed; "well, I hope so, if your Uncle 
Gilbert masters it." 

"Why — why — ^you mean — doesn't he know the 
combination?" I stuttered, slightly nonplussed for 
the nonce, in a manner of speaking. 

"You see," explained Aunt Miranda, while a pair 
of green goggles danced an accompaniment on her 
nose, "your Uncle Gilbert loaned the money to a 
man to open a garage in Hawleysville. But auto- 
mobilists never got any blowouts or punctures going 
through here because there isn't a drop of liquor hid- 
den in a cellar in the town, so the garage failed 
and the man left town in an awful hurry, and all 
your Uncle Gilbert got for the money he loaned was 
this car. We've been four years making up our 
minds to buy one, and now we have one whether we 
want it or not." 

"Fine!" I said; "going out for a spin. Uncle Gil- 
bert?" 

"Possibly," he answered, never taking his eyes off 
the man-killer in front of him, which stood there 
trembling with anger. 

"What car is it?" I inquired politely. 

"It's a Seismic," Uncle Gilbert said. 



26 IDLE MOMENTS IN FLORIDA 

"Oh, yes, of course; made by the Earthquake 
Brothers in Powdervllle — good car for the hills, es- 
pecially coming down,'* I volunteered. "Know how 
to run It?" 

"I guess so; I was always a good hand at machin- 
ery," Uncle Gilbert answered. 

"Don't you think you should have a chauffeur?" 
I suggested. 

"Chauffeur! Why?" Uncle Gilbert snapped back; 
"what do I want with one of those fellows sitting 
around, eating me out of house and home?" 

Now you know why he has so much money. 

"We'll be back in a little while," Aunt Miranda 
explained; "just make yourselves at home, children." 

Uncle Gilbert continued to eye the car for another 
minute, then he turned to me and said, "Want to 
try it?" 

"Nix, Uncle Gilbert," I protested; "what would 
the townspeople say? You with a new motor car, 
afraid to run it yourself, had to send to New York 
for your nephew — nix! Where's your family 
pride?" 

"My family pride is all right," answered Uncle 
Gilbert; "but there's a lot of contraptions in that 
machine I don't seem to recognize." 

"Oh, that's all right; you're a handy little guy 
with machinery," I reminded him. "Hop in now and 
break forth. Don't let the public think that you're 
afraid to blow a Bubble through the streets of your 
native town. The rubber sweater buttoned to the 
chin and the Dutch awning over the forehead for 
yours, and on your way!" 



WITH UNCLE GILBERT 27 

Finally and reluctantly Uncle Gilbert and Aunt 
Miranda climbed into the kerosene wagon, and I 
gave him his final instructions. 

"Now, Uncle Gilbert," I said, "grab that wheel 
in front of you firmly with both hands and put one 
foot on the accelerator. Now put the other foot on 
the rheostat and let the left elbow gently rest on the 
deodorizer. Keep the rubber tube connecting with 
the automatic fog whistle closely between the teeth 
and let the right elbow be in touch with the quad- 
ruplex while the apex of the left knee is pressed over 
the spark coil and the right ankle works the con- 
denser." 

Uncle Gilbert grunted. "Why don't you put my 
left shoulder blade to work," he muttered; "it's the 
only part of my anatomy that hasn't got a job." 

"Nephew," whispered the nervous Aunt Miranda, 
"do you really think your Uncle Gilbert knows 
enough about the car?" 

"Sure," I answered, and I was very serious about 
it. "Now, Uncle Gilbert, keep both eyes on the 
road in front of you and the rest of your face in the 
wagon. Start the driving wheels, repeat slowly the 
name of your favorite coroner, and leave the rest to 
Fate!" 

And away they started in the Whiz Wagon. 

Before they had rolled along for six houses 
through town, the machine suddenly began to 
breathe fast, and then, all of a sudden, it choked up 
and stopped. 

"Will it explode?" whispered Aunt Miranda, 
pleadingly. 



28 IDLE MOMENTS IN FLORIDA 

"No/* said Uncle Gilbert, jumping out; "I think 
the cosmopolitan has buckled with the trapezoid," 
and then, with a monkey wrench, he crawkd under 
the hood to see if the trouble was stubbornness or 
appendicitis. 

Uncle Gilbert took a dislike to a brass valve and 
began to knock it with the monkey wrench, where- 
upon the valve got mad at him and upset a pint of 
ancient salad oil all over his features. 

When Uncle Gilbert recovered consciousness the 
machine was breathing again, so he jumped to the 
helm, pointed the bow at Tampa, and began to cut 
the grass. 

Alas I however, it see«med that the demon of 
unrest possessed that Coal-oil Coupe, for it soon 
began to jump and skip, and suddenly, with a snort, 
it took the river road and scooted away from town. 

Uncle Gilbert patted It on the back and spoke 
soothingly, but It was no use. 

Aunt Miranda pleaded with him to keep In near 
the shore, because she was getting seasick; but her 
tears were in vain. 

"You must appear calm and indifferent In the 
presence of danger," muttered Uncle Gilbert as they 
rushed madly into the bosom of a flock of scrub 
range cows. 

But luck was with them, for with a turn of the 
wrist Uncle Gilbert jumped the machine across the 
road, and all he could feel was the sharp swish of 
an old cow^s tail across his cheek as tliey rushed on 
and out of that anlmaFs life forever. 

Aunt Miranda tried to be brave and to chat pleas- 



WITH UNCLE GILBERT 29 

antly. "How are the grapefruit bugs these days?" 
she asked, and just then the machine struck a stone 
and she went up in the air. 

"Active/' answered Uncle Gilbert when she got 
back, and then there was an embarrassing silence. 

To try to hold a polite conversation on a fright- 
ened motor car in full flight is very much like trying 
to repeat the Declaration of Independence while fall- 
ing from a seventh-story window. 

Then, all of a sudden, the ma'chlne struck a chord 
in G and started for Key West at the rate of 7,000,- 
000 miles a minute. 

Aunt Miranda threw her arms around Uncle Gil- 
bert's neck, he threw his neck around the lever, the 
I'ever threw him- over, and they both threw a fit. 

Down the road ahead- of them a man and his wife 
were quarreling. They were so much in earnest 
tha't they did not hear the machine sneaking swiftly 
up on rubber shoes. 

As the Benzine Buggy was about to fall upon the 
quarreling man and wife Uncle Gilbert squeezed a 
couple of hoarse "Toot toots" from the horn, where- 
upon the woman in the road threw up both hands and 
leaped for the man. The man threw up both feet 
and leaped for the fence. 

The last Aunt Miranda saw of them they were 
entering their modest home neck and neck, and the 
divorce court lost a bet. 

Then the machine began to climb a telegraph pole, 
and as it ran down the other side Aunt Miranda 
wanted to know for the tenth time if it would 
explode. 



30 IDLE MOMENTS IN FLORIDA 

*'How did Nephew tell you to handle it?" she 
shrieked, as the Rowdy Cart bit its way through a 
stone fence and began to dance a two-step over a 
strange man's lawn. 

"The only way to handle this infernal machine is 
to soak it in water/' yelled Uncle Gilbert as they 
hit the main road again. 

*'I don't see what family pride has to do with it; 
there isn't a soul looking," moaned Aunt Miranda. 

"Oh, if I could only be arrested for fast riding 
and get this thing stopped," wailed Uncle Gilbert 
as they headed for the river. 

"Let me out, let me out," pleaded Aunt Miranda, 
and the machine seemed to hear her, for it certainly 
obliged the lady. 

I found out afterwards that in order to make 
good with Aunt Miranda the machine jumped up In 
the air and turned a double handspring, during the 
course of which friend Uncle and his wife fell out 
and landed In the most generously Inclined mud pud- 
dle in that part of the state of Florida. 

Then the Buzz Buggy turned around and barked 
at them and with an excited wag of its tail left them 
flat and scooted for home. 

It must have come home by taking a short cut 
through a potato farm, because there was nothing 
but Murphys a la Julienne clinging to the wheels, 
the tonneau was full of potatoes a la shoe string, and 
about seven ounces of Saratoga chips nestled and 
clung to the carbureter for warmth. 

Now you know why we didn't see Florida from 
the afterdeck of Uncle Gilbert's automobile. 



ST. AUGUSTINE 

St. Augustine I 
Queen 

Of Matanzas Bay! 
The books of history say 
Discovered on a day 
In 1513 

All in her green 
And lovely glory! 
There is a story 
Or Indian legend which relates 
That if the Stranger within her City Gates, 
Standing on her land, 
Shall get the sand 
Of St. Augustine within his shoes 
HeUl never lose 
His desire to return to 
That Ancient Town — and it's true I 
St. Augustine the Quaint! 
With its Street of George the Saint, 
Where queerly contrived 
Balconies which have survived 
The Hammerings of the Years overhang 
That same roadway where the gay gang 
Of Spanish soldiers of Menendez' day 
Strolled at their ease, 
Or sat beneath the trees 
31 



S2 IDLE MOMENTS IN FLORIDA 

In the twilight of other days. 

The Oldest House, too, plays 

Its part in the sublime 

Drama entitled, "The Passing of Time"; 

For there one may learn 

How the monks were taught to spurn 

That which is called Life by 

Keeping ever nigh 

The symbol of Death — o'er their heads 

A coffin in the ceiling — from their beds 

To look at and ponder on — 

A pleasant thought on a smiling dawn, 

Is it not? Answer; it is not! 

Great Scott I 

How it does make 

You think when you take 

A walk around 

The Oldest House to be found 

In the oldest town 

Set down 

On the map of the U. S. A., 

Gay 

Old St. Augustine with its hoary 

Story 

Going back 

To old Jack 

Ponce 

Who did ensconce 

Himself on a rock hard by 

A babbling stream and drink dry 

Said stream 

Which in his dream 



ST. AUGUSTINE 

He called 

The Fountain of Youth, but he got all balled 

Up, because 

According to the laws 

Of Nature there was nothing near 

But clear 

Sulphur water — dark brown 

Sullen sulphur water all over town I 

And Ponce de Leon I 

Was he on? 

Sure! 

It might cure 

Lumbago, 

And in a way go 

Far to aid digestion! 

But as to the question 

Of Eternal Youth!— 

Good sooth! 

In order to be 

As young as Wm. Jennings Bryan, he 

Would have to drink, say. 

Eight quarts of sulphur water a day 

For weeks and months, and then 

Before he got young again 

Suppose the sulphur grains 

All went t6 his brains? 

Horrors ! he'd be a match! 

And he'd catch 

Fire if he but scratch 

His head! 

Enough said. 

Ponce put away 



34 IDLE MOMENTS IN FLORIDA 

His papier-mache 

Cup, 

Saying, "I don't want to be all lit up!*' 

Then he hurled anathemas and 

White sand. 

Together with coquina shell, 

At the well. 

Saying, "I'll tell 

The world!" 

(As he hurled) 

"That I'm no spring chicken, 

Even if I did thicken 

My system with liquid ore 

And stucco my stomach with more 

Sulphur than any drug store 

Contains in Old Madrid!" 

Then Ponce did 

A fandango and, shaking his castanets. 

Gets 

Himself hence and skeedaddles 

To his canoe and paddles 

Back to Spain 

Again, 

Where he dies, 

And as he passes on he sighs, 

"Unfountain of Youthless, I go!" 

And so 

Ponce became a memory. 

But he 

Left a precious heritage here, 

For near 

At hand 



ST. AUGUSTINE 

In a few acres of land 

Is a well 

Full of water, and the smell 

Of sulphur 'round about — 

Where the sign-boards shout, 

^'Fountain of Youth — 15 13," 

With waving palms of green, 

And protecting it a fence; 

And for twenty-five cents 

(And war tax, if you don't mind!) 

You can find 

Juan Ponce de Leon's well, 

And they will tell 

You it is his very same 

Oaken-bucketless and tame 

Little Fountain of Youth I 

But, in sooth, 

It cannot be 

For he 

Is DEAD, 

And when all is done and said 

The fact must remain 

That a Fountain of Youth must contain 

Eternal Youth, otherwise 

It is fair to surmise 

Somebody is talking through his hat; 

And, besides, if that 

Were really a Fountain of Youth — say! 

To-day, 

Last week and next year, 

In weather clear 

Or dark. 



36 IDLE MOMENTS IN FLORIDA 

Out there in that Park 

You'd find 

Dear old Jack Ponce behind 

The fence 

Raking in each twenty-five cents 

(And war tax, if you don't mind!) 

With a kind 

Spanish smile 

On his young face all the while — 

Wouldn't you? I ask you! 

I won't task you, 

But don't you think 

If Ponce took a deep drink 

From the Fountain of Eternal Youth he 

Would still be 

In evidence around his discovery, 

And would he let the bar 

Privilege and the cash register get far 

From his sight? — would he? 

Jamais de la vie I 

Which is the French name 

For what the same 

Thing means In Spanish — Gee I 

And incidentally, wheel 

I suppose 

Those 

Hack-drivers will hate me 

And berate me 

For monkeying with tradition — they, 

To-day, 

Are the only 

Lonely 



ST. AUGUSTINE 37 

Survivors of the buccaneers 

And privateers 

And pirates bold 

Of the old 

Regime. 

Each with his team, 

A smiling Captain Kidd, 

With a howitzer hid 

In the surrey, 

Ready to hurry 

You around the city 

With witty 

Comments, at the rate 

Of the old horse's gait 

Which is geared to go 

Five miles or so 

In a week — although 

There 

Is a proverb somewhere 

Which says, "Money makes the mare 

Go," it is refuted. 

Disputed, 

And put to shame 

By these same 

Hack-drivers, who join 

Earnest hands to get your coin 

And, getting it, the mare 

Doesn't go anywhere 

Much! 

And the touch 

Of the whip to her 

Is, per- 



38 IDLE MOMENTS IN FLORIDA 

Adventure, even as a mild 

Lullaby to a sleepy child. 

One of these 

Rovers of the Spanish Seas 

Beckoned to me with his whip 

And inquired if I'd like to slip 

Off my care and worry 

And see the city in his surrey. 

I asked him how much 

He would touch 

Me for to see 

The nearest orange groves, and he 

Said, "Say, three 

Dollars, Boss!" 

I said, "Three dollars, boss!" at a loss 

To know how else to meet 

Such a situation except repeat, 

"Three dollars. Boss!" over and over, 

But the deadly Rover 

Stood there and only 

Grinned a lonely 

Pirate's grin ; 

So I got in 

The galleon, and we set sail 

Out into the pale 

Unknown, far from the safe retreat 

Of friendly King Street, 

And I said to the grandson 

Of one 

Of the Bo'suns of Sir Francis Drake, 

"How long will it take 

Before we have hove 



ST. AUGUSTINE 39 

In sight of the Grove?" 

And then, shaking his ear-rings, the old 

Bold 

Buccaneer 

Answered clear: 

"Mebbe a Til while, mebbe longer, 

Tends on the oV boss goin' stronger!'' 

And then I found myself saying, 

Meanwhile displaying 

One of my ill-at-ease smiles, 

"How many nautical miles?" 

"Ain't none of 'em va'iy nautical, Boss I 

I dess chawges for de loss 

Of time consumed!" 

Then he resumed, 

"Mebbe it's 'leven mile — mebbe fo', 

I ain't dess sho' !" 

And so the voyage was re-begun, 

And we drifted into the setting sun, 

Passing a derelict farm 

Or two, until the pirate's arm 

Went up in the air. 

And then and there 

I thought he'd yank 

Me out and shout, "Walk the plank!" 

But, instead, 

He said: 

"Dahhe!" 

Which, translated, seemed to be 

"Yonder am dat Fountain 

Of Youth whey I was countin' 

On takin' you all to!" 



40 IDLE MOMENTS IN FLORIDA 

And before my eyes grew 

A fence! 

Admission twenty-five cents 

(And war tax, if you don't mindl). 

So this is what Ponce came to find! 

I looked me all around, 

Then suddenly a profound 

Thought came, 

And in the flame 

Which shone 

As my own, 

After Knowledge lit her lamp, 

I could see the Truth in the damp 

Bottom of the well — and I knew! 

I knew then who 

Drank the brew 

And profited thereby — 

Why 

// was the old mare 

In the shafts there! 

In each eye 

I could descry 

Ages and ages of despair — 

Poor young old mare I 

Centuries ago 

She found eternal youth, but the slow 

Corrosions of time 

Had robbed her of ambition. 

And hers now was the sad condition 

Of having to live ever 

Without pep, and never 

Be more 



ST. AUGUSTINE 41 

Than a shuttledore 

Between the right and left shaft 

Of a pirate's fore and aft 

Carryall — Ah, me! 

Also Gee I 

Whiz I 

Tis 

A cunning sample of the irony of Fatel 

I looked towards the gate 

And the fence — 

Admission twenty-five cents 

(And war tax, if you don't mind!) 

Blind 

Were mine eyes with tears, 

So I said to the pirate, ''Here's 

Your three dollars, Boss! 

If you can stand the loss 

ril walk back to town — 

It's only down 

The road a few blocks^ — 

Which knocks 

A hole 

In your droll 

Ideas of distance — and say I 

Lay 

Off with that whip 

On the mare who was a slip 

Of an equine-girlie 

In the early 

Days of St. Augustine. 

Between 

15^3 



42 IDLE MOMENTS IN FLORIDA 

And 15 1 6 

She was a two-year-old, 

And on a cold 

Track 

Could do a there-and-back 

In record time — and say I 

Hand her plenty of hay, 

Because she's 

With ease 

1 he oldest relic in town — 

A roadster of renown, 

Loved and respected by 

That good old guy, 

Juan Ponce de Leon!" 

Was he on. 

That pirate? — I don't know, 

For with slow 

And faltering steps I, 

With another sigh 

For days that are no more. 

Bore 

Sou', sou'east from the fence — 

Admission twenty-five cents — 

(And war tax, if you don't mind!) 

To find 

A pleasant path 

Which hath 

Forever waving palms to nod the way 

To gay 

St. Augustine — 

Queen 

Of Matanzas Bay — 



ST. AUGUSTINE 43 

Whose memories of an ancient day 
Are older than the sands of snow 
Which grow 

In white glory on her distant shore, 
Where despite the ceaseless roar 
Of the ever-restless waves they do 
Contrive to whisper allegiance to 
Their listening Queen — \ 
St. Augustine. 



MUSIC HATH CHARMS 

For your delectation a little side excursion Into 
one of the Florldlan by-ways, entitled, ''Music Hath 
Charms." 

SCENE: — The Plaza in St. Augustine, in the 
immediate neighborhood of the band stand. 

DISCOVERED: — Omnes, which, as you know, 
means everybody except a few hotel clerks, one 
night watchman and the mot or man of a street car, 
which is unfortunately stalled at the other end of 
town. 

Mrs. Muffin, of the Borough of Brooklyn, is 
seated on the end of a bench at Center. She has her 
wraps, her handbag and a box of candy on the 
up-stage end of the bench, which is her method of 
reserving the seat for her friend, Mrs. Trisket, 
who is a trifle late. 

There are hundreds of other people present, all 
trying to listen to the good music which SiGNOR Ves- 
sela's band is discoursing. 

The air is balmy and a tropical glitter may be 
noticed in connection with the stars — if you get what 
I mean! 

Presently Mrs. Trisket, also of the Borough of 
Brooklyn, but nearer Flatbush, arrtves, and after the 

44 



MUSIC HATH CHARMS 45 

wraps, the handbag and the box of candy are 
removed she settles on the bench with a hen-like 
flutter. 

The audience will kindly remember that the band 
is playing steadily throughout the drama. 



Late, aren't you, Grace, dear? 

Yes, Lottie, I was waiting for the Northern 
papers. I always like to see what the weather was 
day before yesterday In New York. 

Why, Grace, what difference does day before yes- 
terday's weather in New York make when you're 
here ? 

Well, you see, Lottie, if it was cold and snowy and 
sleety up there, I can be glad I'm here, and If It was 
warm and pleasant up there I can worry because I'm 
not home. Delightful band, isn't it? 

Yes, Grace, but I think the drums are a little too 
loud. They're so discouraging to conversation — > 
especially If one's hearing isn't any too good. I 
came here two or three times to talk to Mrs. Open- 
face — you know her ! Rich ! — oh, dear me I Oodles 
of money! Her husband invented a method of 
opening hard shell clams by electricity and made a 
fortune. And her son-in-law, Hector Squeeze-eagle, 
well, he discovered a lotion for removing sunburn 



46 IDLE MOMENTS IN FLORIDA 

from golf balls, so the family Is just itchy with 
money. Well, as I was saying, we came here several 
evenings ago to have a little chat, and, do you know, 
It seemed to be old-home-week for the drummers. 
Every time we tried to discuss some of our mutual 
friends — and Heaven knows they need discussion!- — 
those drummers would pound out a deafening 
cadenza and poor Mrs. Openface, being slightly 
deaf, was frightfully discouraged, so finally we went 
over and sat by the trolley tracks, where It was 
quieter. But I do love good music, don't you? 
What's the news in the papers? 

Nothing, Lottie, nothing in the papers but strikes 
— don't you hate to be always reading about strikes? 

I do, Grace; it seems such a waste of time to be 
striking and then un-strlking all the time. If they'd 
only strike somebody or something and get It over 
with — ^but it seems to be the fashion nowadays. 
Don't you remember that beautiful poem, Grace, 
dear — ^who wrote It now? Was It Robert HItchens 
or Senator Lodge? — I've forgotten, but one verse 
was so true ! — wait till that trombone person hushes 
his noise! See If I remember it, Grace! It went 
something like this: — 

"Strike and the world strikes with you. 

Work and you work alone. 

For the profiteer needs your money, my dear, 

Though he has enough of his own." 

I think that's perfectly splendid and so true and 
real, don't you, Grace? 



MUSIC HATH CHARMS 47 

Oh, Lottie, it's wonderful! And how well you 
recite. What a gift it is to be able to recite — dear 
me, that trombone is loud, isn't it? I wonder if it's 
really a trombone — I thought they had to slide it? 

Well, Grace, if you're really curious and want to 
hear the music, far be it from me to prevent you, 
but when a person hasn't seen another person for 
weeks and 

Oh, Lottie, I be^ your pardon! What is mere 
music when I'm dying to have you tell me all the 
news. Did you go to Petersburg this year? 

No, Grace, I didn't. And it is so perfectly splen- 
did at Petersburg. They have those little intimate 
symphony concerts there, and they are so delightful 
to talk through. And the time passes so quickly, it's 
amazing! One evening I started to tell Mrs. Cruller 
how Jessie Wafer ran away with her father's chauf- 
feur — you remember, Grace, the Wafers lived next 
door to us when we had that salmon-colored house 
near the cemetery! — well, I no more than got Jessie 
and the chauffeur to the subway at Borough Hall 
when the concert was over. It's perfectly astound- 
ing how the time passes in Petersburg. 

Do you think you'll go to Ormond Beach, Lottie ? 

I don't know, Grace. I have a two weeks' invi- 
tation from friends in Tampa — It's perfectly splen- 
did at Tampa, and then I have friends in Daytona, 



48 IDLE MOMENTS IN FLORIDA 

and they may surprise me with an invitation — it's 
perfectly splendid in Daytona — and Sea Breeze I 
that's perfectly splendid! I spent two weeks there 
last summer, and it's perfectly splendid! Wonder- 
ful beach at Ormond and Daytona, too. The tide 
goes out so far it's no trouble to sit there and talk 
for hours. 

Have you been to the Everglades, Lottie?^ — I'd 
like to see those. 

Oh, yes, Grace, I've seen them — perfectly splen- 
did, but slushy, frightfully slushy. You have to go 
in a boat, you know. They are full of strange look- 
ing Indians and perfectly splendid alligators and 
one eats the other. I don't remember now whether 
the Indians eat the alligators or the alligators eat 
the Indians, but it doesn't matter much, does it? 
Oh, I like the Everglades. If you have a nice com- 
fortable boat, they are a perfectly splendid place 
to sleep for hours and hours, because nothing at all 
ever happens there except scenery — and that's per- 
fectly splendid if you care to look at it. Delight- 
ful music, isn't it ? 

I'm told so, Lottie. We must drop around some 
evening and hear it. Perhaps, Lottie, we should 
come here separately. They say that in order to 
fully appreciate good music one should shut out the 
world and do nothing but listen. 

Well, Grace, I'll tell the world I won't shut It 
out — not to hear music. 



MUSIC HATH CHARMS 49 

You know, Lottie, the old proverb says that music 
hath charms to soothe the naked Indians. 



Oh, nonsense, Grace, you can hear all about the 
Indians down at Fort Marion, where Osceola 
escaped through an eight-Inch drain pipe under a 
flag of truce. Indians don't Interest me. Didn't you 
tell me, Grace, that Mr. Vessella had written a song 
entitled ^'Florida Water"? 

No, Lottie, dear, not "Florida Water" — it's 
called ^'Florida Nights." 

Oh, of course, Grace, I should have remembered 
that "Florida Water" was written by Ponce de 
Leon — I never was much good at geography. Ask 
the woman sitting next to you if "Florida Nights" 
will be sung this evening. 

(Business of Mrs. Trisket asking the woman 
sitting next to her and then turning to Mrs. 
Muffin.) 

She says that Miss Ribekova has just started to 
sing "Florida Nights" — shall we listen, Lottie? 

Oh, Grace, if she's started, what's the use? It's 
so hard to follow the plot of a song unless you hear 
the very beginning of it. Oh ! Isn't that Mr. Figels- 
potter over there, two benches up and one across — 
you know him, Grace ! He's Mrs. Openface's 
brother — she was a FIgelspotter before she married 



50 IDLE MOMENTS IN FLORIDA 

GIpthem Openface. FIgelspotter is an inventor, 
too. It runs In the family. He invented an anesthetic 
for women to take just before going shopping. It 
makes them insensible to the prices. Sometimes 
three whole days pass before the effects wear off and 
you realize that you've paid two dollars and forty 
cents for something you could get In the palmy days 
for two bits. Of course, by that time your grief can 
be kept under control. I think it's a perfectly splen- 
did Invention, don't you, Grace? But I wish Mr. 
Flegelspotter could invent a safe method of coaxing 
a sirloin steak away from a butcher without hav- 
ing to leave a Liberty Bond with the butcher's cash- 
ier. I wonder why Tom Edison doesn't think it over 
— ^but then he may be a vegetarian and find the sub- 
ject uninteresting. Oh, dear, it's a great life, if you 
don't have to powder I 

Oh, Lottie, dear, I knew there was something I 
was dying to ask you — I just knew it. Have you 
been over to the alligator farm? 

Yes, Grace, but I don't care for alligators — they 
annoy me. I can't classify them. I don^t know 
whether an alligator is an animal or an insect or the 
grandfather of a snake. Besides I'm here alone on 
a pleasure trip, and an alligator reminds me too 
much of my husband. 

Lottie! for goodness' sake, why? 

Because, Grace, you can't trust him even when 
he's asleep. 



MUSIC HATH CHARMS 51 

Oh, Lottie, aren't you perfectly horrid to your 
poor Murgatroyd — and he up there In the slush and 
snow and cold wishing for you to come back and 
working like a beaver. 

No, Grace, beavers build dams, but my husband 
wouldn't give a whole village of beavers' dams if 
I never came back. Oh ! he's perfectly frank about 
it. He says we get on so much better when I'm 
South and he's In the North. I suppose our lives 
together would be perfectly splendidly IdylHc If I 
lived In Africa and he had two rooms and a kitchen- 
ette on a roof garden in New York. 

Lottie 1 

Yes, Grace, dear I 

Listen I 

I didn't come here to listen, Grace — I came here 
to talk, and I intend to get my money's worth. 

Oh, Lottie I did you hear that ? The nerve of that 
man. He's sitting behind us — did you hear what 
he said? 

How could I, Grace, dear? You know how hard 
It is for me to hear when I'm talking. I find I get 
better results with my vocal cords If I concentrate on 
my enunciation — what did he say? 



52 IDLE MOMENTS IN FLORIDA 

Well, Lottie, that rough looking man with the 
fur overcoat and the straw hat has been inquiring 
for five minutes why we don't hire a hall. 

Tell him, Grace, dear, if you care to, that this Is 
a free country, made so by the Declaration of Inde- 
pendence and kept so by William Jennings Bryan. 
Tell him that free speech is one of the Fourteen 
Points, and tell him that he'll find the other thirteen 
points on the compass, and he can take his fur coat 
and his straw hat and go In whichever one of those 
directions he chooses. This Plaza was a free Plaza 
long before the raccoon was born and died to give 
him that coat, and it will be a free Plaza long after 
his straw hat has been turned into a cottage pud- 
ding, and If I want to sit down here and talk and 
have Vessella accompany me on the saxophone I'll 
do so to the full limit of the law, which says that all 
men and women are born equal except those who 
wear straw hats with fur overcoats and — has he 
gone ? 

' Yes, Lottie, dear, he got up and hurried away, just 
when you mentioned William Jennings Bryan. 

Why, Grace, dear, they're all going. The con- 
cert must be over. 

It is, Lottie, dear, the band just played *'The Star- 
Spangled Banner." 



MUSIC HATH CHARMS 63 

Oh, yes, that's a tune Fve always wanted to hear, 
but somehow or other I never get the time. It's 
our national anthem, isn't it? 

Yes, Lottie. 

How do you know they played it? 

I just knew it instinctively. I happened to look 
up and see the musicians wrapping up their instru- 
ments, and it's always customary to play the national 
anthem before putting the instrument away. Don't 
think for one moment, Lottie, dear, that I've been 
unfaithful, because I've listened to every word 
you've said, and I'm sure I'd rather listen to you 
any time than hear even Galli-Curci sing Frosty's 
"Good-by." Where shall we go now? 

Let's go over to the hotel, Grace, dear. We can 
get some chairs near some of those nice old people 
who play auction bridge and we can chatter till bed 
time. I've been told that it throws a perfectly 
splendid sidelight on bridge to have an interesting 
and intellectual conversation going on nearby when 
four people are concentrating on a no-trump hand, 
doubled and re-doubled. It's almost as exciting as 
sustaining a conversation throughout a band con- 
cert — shall we go along? 

Yes, Lottie, let's hurry before the nice old people 
break up their game. 



64 IDLE MOMENTS IN FLORIDA 

(Mrs. Muffin md Mrs. Trisket pick up 
wraps, box of candy, handbags, etc., and exeunt into 
King street still talking.) 



CURTAIN 



PALM BEACH 

Palm Beach I 
A peach 
Of a place 
To chase 

Care into the ocean, 
Unless you have developed the notion 
That Care is a dear friend, 
And you have no desire to end 
Your acquaintanceship, 
In which case you can slip 
Your bank account 
And any amount 
You can beg or borrow 
Into that Sub-cellar of Sorrow 
Known 

As the Sucker's Own 
Sinking Fund, 
Which hund- 

Reds do every season down there, 
And have Care 
Sit and stare 

At you, and follow you back 
Home, and keep on your track 
Until you replenish your stack. 
And if you do replenish 
It's a bottle of Rhenish 
55 



50 IDLE MOMENTS IN FLORIDA 

Wine 

To a shine 

Jug of sarsaparilla you 

Will do 

The same thing over again next season — 

And that Is the reason 

The expression, *'What's the use!" 

Is hurled so often at the Obtuse. 

Palm Beach Is a delight 

To the sight 

For Nature is lavish and o'er the scene 

Spreads her gorgeous green 

Mantle, delicately tinted 

With recently minted 

Polnsettia blooms. 

And the whispering palm looms 

Ever pleasantly on the sight. 

The night 

Is filled with distant echoes of the sea 

And the 

Moon and stars come there to play 

And make holiday. 

And there also come 

A few dear, dumb 

Dwellers In distant Kokomo 

Who, having saved up a dollar or so, 

Are clad in garments rare 

From the 'Tair 

Price Store" at home, 

And they roam 

The walks and porches, eyes 

Agog and filled with glad surprise, 



PALM BEACH 57 

Hoping to 

Touch elbows with a few 

Dukes or Princes or Earls, 

Or get a glimpse of those priceless pearls 

That vex 

The necks 

Of the Moving Picture Queens, 

They see on screens 

In the Home Town. 

You can write it down 

That Palm Beach is a Mecca — 

By Heck! a 

Veritable shrine for the proletariat! — 

Whatever that 

May be ! 

And it's plain to see 

It is also a Mecca for the 

Bourgeois and the Social Gnat 

Known as the Aristocrat — 

Oh, I beg pardon ! What? 

Great Scott! 

You say there 

Is no Class Distinction in this fair 

Land of the Stars and Strikes! 

We're all on the same Pike's 

Peak 

So to squeak? 

And the only thing that lowers or raises 

Us in the praises 

Of our fellow travelers through life 

Is the amount of Cash our wife 

Has in her name ? — is that what you mean? 



58 IDLE MOMENTS IN FLORIDA 

Well, between 

You and me 

And the 

Lamp-post, maybe 

You're right; 

But, If I might 

Be so bold. 

Why do all the funny old 

Politicians and small fry 

Editors of two-by-four newspapers cry 

Continually, "O Proletariat!" and with one eye 

Closed temporarily sigh, 

*'OfthoseamII" 

By and by 

Sometime will you please 

Tell me, to ease 

My mind, just what is a proletariat; 

And did the cat 

Bring that 

Funny word in the parlor, and where 

Did the cat find it? 

I wouldn't mind it 

If you also tell 

Me how to spell 

"Bourgeois" and why. 

When I know how to spell it, do I 

Have to mention it again? 

Now and then 

Doesn't it strike you 

That quite a few 

Uncomfortable birds 

Of words 



PALM BEACH 59 

Immigrate to this country and 

After they stand 

Around Ellis Island for a while 

They smile 

Themselves into our language and we make 

A great fuss over them and take 

Them out for an airing 

Every day, never bearing 

In mind 

That though we mean to be kind 

We don^t know just what we do mean 

When, with the Bean 

Proud of its Pronunciation, we exclaim, 

With eyes aflame, 

"He's a Bourgeois" this or that 

Or a "Proletariat!" 

We shouldn't be 

So free 

With these alien Children of Speech, 

For when we mention their names each 

One of them sneaks away 

To some gray 

Corner in our brain, lies flat 

On its little fat 

Foreign stomach, and laughs itself sick 

Over the slick 

Manner in which it has made 

A nice home for itself in our staid 

Old Language. Now, all that being so, 

Let's go 

Back to Palm Beach, swept 

By ocean breezes, and kept 



60 IDLE MOMENTS IN FLORIDA 

Gay 

By Broadway 

And Forty-second Street; 

Where you can meet 

Any Notable of Earth, 

If the girth 

Of your roll is wide 

Enough to permit you to abide 

In that neighborhood for more 

Than four 

Or Rvc days. 

And where every chaise 

Longue will uphold 

From time to time those who are bold 

In Finance or Statesmanship ; 

If not these, then some one who had the grip 

And enough dough 

Togo 

There and recuperate. 

Great 

Writers will tell you 

That there are two 

Hotels of the Class A 

Type, 

Each with an army of bellhops to swipe 

Your hand-baggage the moment you 

Drop off the train due 

From the North at i :22, 

And arriving at 8 129 — 

Late — late for everything except to dine 

Under the plain 

But eagle eye of Joe McLane. 



PALM BEACH 61 

One of these hostelries, you will be told 

On every old 

Occasion, is beyond doubt 

The largest wooden hang-out 

In the world, 

And it lies curled 

On 

The lawn 

On the shore of Lake Worth, 

But you can bet Perth 

Amboy against Manhattan Isle 

That though it's some pile 

Of timber, investigation does not disclose 

Any wood in the heads of those 

Who make it a joyous playground 

For the visitors who stay 'round 

Its pleasing purlieus. 

Here the Curlews 

Of Fashion and the male 

Birds of Paradise scatter the Kale; 

One may sit on its wide 

Porches and hear quaint side 

Remarks when Money meets Cash, 

And see the flash 

Of recognition in the eye 

Of Former Poverty when spry 

Profiteer 

Draws near 

With a smile 

To shake the hand of Plenty-All-The-Whlle. 

My memories of the Beach are these: 

A health-laden breeze 



62 IDLE MOMENTS IN FLORIDA 

From over tropic seas; 

A fat man with tight 

White 

Flannel trousers which wouldn't permit 

Him to walk or sit. 

Poinsettia bordered glimpses of fair 

And rare 

Gardens where Nature tried to do 

Her best and succeeded only too 

Well. 

A Swell 

Named John 

Newriches, from Waterbury, Conn., 

Parking his Robert Burns cigar on 

The lawn 

While he tried to flirt 

With a panatella-shaped Skirt 

Who was out walking 

With andnalking 

To a Pekinese 

And paying no heed to the Big Sneeze, 

John, 

From Waterbury, Conn. 

Palmettos whispering to the date 

Palms great 

Bits of gossip about those 

Poor human things in gaudy clothes 

Who strutted, all tailor-made, 

Beneath their shade. 

A pretty girl trying to 

Pour a few 

Pounds of face-powder on a well-done 



PALM BEACH 63 

Sun- 
Burned nose 
Which chose 
To spurn 

The powder and tried to turn 
Pinker 

And make her think her 
Date to take tea 
With the 

Man of Her Choice was frost- 
Bitten and Lost 

In the Everglades of Circumstance. 
The phosphorescent dance 
Of the Lake fishes which throw 
A glow 

Of beautiful, unearthly light 
Into the night — 

And the night keeps it for its own. 
The fatherly tone 
Of Flo 

Ziegfeld, who, in slow 
And measured accents, tells 
Irving Berlin the mystic spells 
To weave in order to win, 
And the thin 
Upward curves 
Of Irv's 
Left eyebrow 
As he replies, "How 
Come you lose yourself, how come, now?'* 
And the saddened voice of Arch 
Selwyn asking Edgar how to steal a march 



64 IDLE MOMENTS IN FLORIDA 

On the fickle jade 

Called Fortune, and the staid 

And solemn reply : 

"Buy 

A ticket back home!" 

The white foam 

Hurrying to the shore 

Seeking to get away from the roar 

Of the following wave, 

And'the moon making the night its slave, 

While Southern stars gleam 

And seem 

To be so near; 

Then clear 

And far away the call 

Of a night-bird, "All 

Is well!— All's well! 

Tell 

The sleeping world all is well!" 



SNAP SHOTS 

When friend Wife gave friend Son that new- 
fangled camera last Christmas I had a hunch that 
the dealers in photographic supplies would get the 
supreme exercise of their lives hot-footing it to the 
bank with the contents of my wallet. 

Son just grabbed that camera and went after 
everything and everybody in the neighborhood. 

It so happens that our neighborhood is Ventnor, 
N. J., and the poor, patient, old Atlantic Ocean cer- 
tainly did get some severe punishment from Son's 
camera. He forced that ocean to pose for enough 
pictures to make it conceited for the rest of its life, 
but as most of the views turned out to be nothing 
more than a pale white line ending with sudden and 
unenlightening darkness Fm sure the ocean won't 
care much. If it did keep still long enough to be 
"shot" in any of the pictures it was most thoroughly 
disguised. 

Then Son decided that land views might possibly 
lead to better results, so he picked out the Hotel 
Ambassador, standing huge and inspiring against 
the distant sky line, and opened up his eight dollar 
machine gun on that inviting view. I don't think 
Son ever got enough of the Ambassador in any one 
snapshot to identify it as a Class A caravansary, but 
he did get a wonderful approach in the form of 

65 



66 IDLE MOMENTS IN FLORIDA 

enough zigzag lines, parallelograms, obtuse angles 
and right angle triangles of twisted Boardwalk to 
make a corking good lesson in geometry. 

Before we started on our Florida trip Son was 
cured of collecting the landscape; so he turned the 
camera over to friend Daughter, and she began to 
take views of everything that couldn't run all the 
way from Ventnor to Florida, and then she discov- 
ered the camera wasn't loaded, which helped a little. 

Like everything else in this world, picture pinch- 
ing from still life depends entirely on the point of 
view. 

If your point of view is all right it's an easy mat- 
ter to make a four-dollar dog-house look like the 
villa of a Wall Street broker at Palm Beach. 

Ten minutes after we arrived in Hawleysville 
Daughter had set me up as a series of statues all 
over Uncle Gilbert's lawn, and she was snapping 
at me like a Spitz doggie at a peddler. 

I sat for two hundred and nineteen pictures that 
forenoon and I posed for every hero in history, from 
William the Conqueror down to a conscience-stricken 
Profiteer handing the money back. 

But when she tried to coax me to climb up a limb . 
of a tree and stay there till she got a picture of me 
looking like an owl I swore softly in three languages, 
fell over the back fence, and ran for my life. 

When I rubbershoed it back that afternoon friend 
Daughter was busy developing her crimes. 

The proper and up-to-date caper in connection 
with taking snapshots these days is to buy a develop- 
ing outfit and upset the household from pit to dome 



SNAP SHOTS 67 

while you are squeezing out pictures of every dearly 
beloved friend that crosses your pathway. 

Friend Daughter selected a spare room on the top 
floor of Uncle Gilbert's home where she could await 
developments. 

A half hour later ghostly noises began to come 
from that room and mysterious whisperings fell out 
of the window and bumped over the lawn. 

When I reached the front door I found that the 
gardener had left, the waitress was leaving, and the 
cook was telephoning for a rural policeman. 

''Where is Daughter?" I asked Mehitabel, the 
cook. 

*'She is still developing," said Mehitabel. 

*'What has she developed?" I inquired. 

"Up to the present time she has developed your 
Uncle's temper and she has developed your Aunt's 
appetite, she has developed in your wife a desire to 
take a long walk, a couple of bill collectors devel- 
oped a pain in the neck when she took their pictures, 
and, if things go on in this way, I think this will 
soon develop into a foolish house!" said Mehitabel, 
the cook. 

A half hour later, while I was hiding behind the 
pianola In the living room, not daring to breathe 
above a whisper for fear I would get my picture 
taken again, friend Daughter rushed In, exclaiming, 
"Oh, joy! Oh, joy! Father, I have developed two 
pictures!" 

I wish you could have seen the expression on 
Daughter's face. 



68 IDLE MOMENTS IN FLORIDA 

In order to develop the films a picturesque assort- 
ment of drugs and chemicals have to be used. 

Well, friend Daughter had used them. 

A silent little stream of wood alcohol had trickled 
down over her left ear into her startled bobbed hair, 
and on the end of her nose about six grains of ex- 
tract of potash was sending out signals of distress 
to some spirits of turpentine which was burning on 
top of her right eyebrow. 

Something dark and lingering like iodine had 
given her chin the double-cross and her apron looked 
like the remnants of a porous plaster. 

Her right hand had red, white, green, purple, 
and magenta marks all over it, and her left hand 
looked like the Fourth of July. 

"Father!'* she yelled; "here it is! My goodness, 
I am so excited! See what a fine picture of you I 
took!" 

She handed me the picture, but all I could see was 
a woodshed with the door wide open. 

"A good picture of the woodshed," I said; "but 
whose woodshed is it?" 

"A woodshed!" exclaimed friend Daughter; 
"why, that is your face. Father. And where you 
think the door is open is only your mouth !" 

I looked crestfallen and then I looked at the 
picture again, but my better nature asserted itself 
and I made no attempt to strike that defenseless 
girl. 

Then she handed me another picture and said, 
"Father, isn't this wonderful?" 

I looked at the picture and muttered, "All I can 



SNAP SHOTS 69 

see Is the colored gardener walking across lots with 
a sack of flour on his back!" 

"Oh!" gasped friend Daughter, *'how can you ex- 
pect to see what it is when you are holding the pic- 
ture upside down?" 

I turned the picture around, and then I was quite 
agreeably surprised. 

"It's wonderful!" I shouted. "It's a real thing, 
all right! Why, this is splendid! I suppose it is 
called, 'Moonlight on the St. John's River'? Did 
this one come with the camera or did you draw it 
from memory?" 

"The idea of such a thing," friend Daughter 
pouted; "can't you see that you're holding the picture 
the wrong way? Turn it around and you will see 
what it is!" 

I gave the thing another turn. 

"Gee whiz!" I said; "now I have it! Oh, the 
limit ! You wished to surprise me with a picture of 
the sunset at Governor's Island. How lovely it is 1 
See, over here in this corner there's a bunch of 
soldiers listening to what's cooking for supper, and 
over here is the smoke from the gun that sets the sun 
—I like it!" 

Then friend Daughter grabbed the picture out of 
my hands and burst into reproachful speech. 

"Oh, Father, why do you try to discourage my 
efforts to be artistic?" she Nazimovaded. "This is 
a picture of you holding Mrs. Macllvaine's baby in 
your arms, and I think it's perfectly lovely, even if 
the baby is crying." 

When the exercises were over I inquired casually, 



70 IDLE MOMENTS IN FLORIDA 

"Where, my dear, where are the other 21,219 P^^" 
tures you snapped to-day?" 

"Only these two came out good because, don't 
you see, I'm an amateur yet," was her come-back. 

The net result of Floridian views as collected by 
both Son and Daughter and highly approved of by 
friend Wife is as follows: — 

One portion of a dotted Swiss dress with a large 
and rather fantastic sea shell in background, la- 
bled, "The Band Concert at Miami." 

One shattered remnant of a trench in the Somme 
Sector, surmounted by sand bags, fondly called by 
the perpetrator, "The City Gates, St. Augustine." 

A remarkably intelligent looking Seminole Indian 
gathering firewood, which turns out to be none other 
than yours truly picking shells on Miami Beach. 

A telegraph pole standing in an attitude of em- 
barrassed silence with one of its cross-arms beckon- 
ing to a letter box, which, it appears, is friend 
Daughter's cameralstic idea of how friend Son looks 
while lighting his pipe. 

A bowlder in the foreground which has evidently 
fallen from one of the steep walls of a canon which 
must have strayed away from Colorado, labeled, 
"Mother, in St. George Street, St. Augustine." 

A snappy little feather duster standing upside 
down with one of the feathers resting on a plate of 
oysters — which was Son's idea of a good picture of 
Daughter eating ice cream. 

A bright knot-hole in a high board fence, en- 
titled, "Morning on Matanzas Bay." 

Two slightly used whiskbrooms, a broken water 



SNAP SHOTS 71 

pitcher and a futuristic view of something that looks 
like a cry for help, labelled, "The gardens of the 
Alcazar, St. Augustine." 

A view on the Indian river showing a small oak 
tree with hanging moss, which I considered quite 
good, especially after it was explained to me that 
Daughter's dog, "Gyp," posed for the entire 
scene. 

A colored boy selling newspapers to the end of 
an automobile with a Georgia license plate on it, 
called, "The Old Slave Market, St. Augustine." 

Something that resembles three nervous looking 
men handing money to an almost human guide from 
whose left hand a cactus plant is growing, carefully 
inscribed, "The Alligator Farm, Anastasia Island." 

A very large and hitherto unused porous plaster 
with a step-ladder and four very quaint dog houses 
in the foreground, which is called, "Yachts at An- 
chor in Biscayne Bay at Miami." 

Side by side two large round sea shells, looking 
exactly alike; above these a white sand dune; be- 
low and between the sea shells a hillock; under the 
hillock a long, straight, dark ravine, supported by a 
field of stubbly wheat, the entire production la- 
beled, "A Portrait Study of Father." 

An attenuated scarecrow standing solitary and 
alone on a dark night in a very black field, entitled, 
"Palm Trees and White Sand on the Beach at An- 
astasia Island." 

For my part, I'm glad my memory is still on the 
job; otherwise, a study of these snapshots would lead 



7a IDLE MOMENTS IN FLORIDA 

me to believe that Florida is nothing more than a 
tame nightmare being entertained by freaks in a 
gloomy junkshop — ^but the kids think the pictures 
are great, so what's the use ? 



MIAMI 

^'My! Ah, me!" 

Balmy 

In the Winter sunshine I 

"My! Ami?" 

Spry 

As a mining town 

Set down 

Behind a Western mountain, 

Countin' 

Its nuggets of bright 

Gold ere comes the night. 

''Me? Ami?" 

Why 

Do the strangers fly 

To you in Winter from the four, 

Or more, 

Corners of the earth, 

Adding to your mirth, 

And the amounts 

Of your bank accounts? 

It Is the climate — 

So sublime it 

Coaxes health to come back and stay 

And stick for many an added day. 

''Mammy!" 

No clammy 

73 



74 IDLE MOMENTS IN FLORIDA 

Silence there! 

What with the bands blaring 

And the aeroplanes tearing 

Through the air — 

Why, it's a bear — 

Cat for Pep! 

Are you hep 

That I 

In my 

Poor, artless, little Japanese way 

Have been making a gay 

Bit of an effort to show 

The various pronunciations that go 

With ''Miami," eh? 

Say! 

IVe been 

Trying to screen 

A *'movie^ for you 

Of the few 

Methods of approaching the name 

Of that same 

Busy, bustling town 

'Way down 

South in the land of grapefruit. 

So take whichever style may suit 

Your fancy. As for mine 

I rather incline 

To Miami — 

You may gather from the rhyme how I 

Pronounce it — and so! 

Let's go ! 

Whether it be ''me" or "my" 



MIAMI 75 

Miami is shy- 
On nothing except diffidence. 
Immense, 
Not in size, 
But in the eyes 

Of the ''natives'^ who live there 
During such time as they can spare 
From their birthplaces 

In Boston, Mass., or Chicago, 111., as the cases 
Maybe; 

But these '^natives" agree 
And meet 
And set their feet 
On one common ground 
Which is, that more suckers abound 
In Florida than in their 
Home town — be that where 
It may, 
So they stay 
In the *'Sunny," 

Observing the color of the money 
Which the tourists flash; 
It is then that the **nativcs" cash 
In on the agility 

With which they show their ability 
To make 
The stranger take 
To the idea that he needs 
The deeds 
To a smart 

Little bungalow and become a part 
Of the ''native" pop- 



7^ IDLE MOMENTS IN FLORIDA 

Ulation, with stop- 

Over privileges in his erstwhile home 

In the frozen North, whence he may roam 

When all the other "natives" go, 

With steps faltering and slow, 

North to their erstwhiles 

And stay there until the money thirst wiles 

Them back 

To stack 

The shack 

And become "natives" again in the Fall. 

All 

The real, blue-blooded "natives" park 

Themselves in the dark 

Background, 

And are hard to be found. 

You 

Will notice that the real "native" is few 

And far between. 

But may be seen 

Occasionally paddling a droll 

Canoe, himself disguised as a Seminole, 

In the far reaches 

Of one of Nature's peaches 

Of places — the Everglades! 

To the shades 

Of the tall 

Jungle palms all 

The real "natives" have hurried 

Into retirement, worried 

By the look of keen 

Competition on the lean 



MIAMI 77 

Faces 

Of the avant couriers of other races 

Flocking from the North to take up places 

At the receipt of customs, and otherwise fit 

Themselves to sit 

On the Temple steps and barter. 

Smarter 

Than any "native" is he 

Who hurries South with the 

Commodity known as ''Yankee thrift," 

And a swift 

Eye to values — so 

Exit sullenly the slow 

Habitant 

Who can^t 

Compete 

With the lad from the effete, 

So to speak, East, who can trade in 

A tin 

Automobile for seven acres of sand 

And turn the sand into land. 

And put seven little spick and span 

Queen Anne 

Cottages thereon and rent 

The same so he will achieve 43 per cent 

On his 

Investment. Modern biz 

Of that vociferous kind 

Penetrates the mind 

Of the "native" in the same way 

The police penetrate a joint 

Where the bartender continues to anoint 



78 IDLE MOMENTS IN FLORIDA 

The thirst 

With the worst 

Kind of expensive boozes 

And where no customer loses 

A beat in picking 

Up the Volstead Act and kicking 

It on the shins. 

All of which knocks the pins 

From under 

The real "native" and with wonder 

In his sad eyes 

And a number 2 size 

Portmanteau in his hand 

He hikes for the jungle land 

Afar, 

Where the alligators are 

Blinking in the swamps; 

And there he romps 

Care free, 

And consorts with only the 

Happy hookworm 

For the term 

Of his natural life. 

Far from strife, 

Far from the madding crowd, 

And the loud 

Echoes of the hurrying throng 

Singing its ceaseless song 

Of Big Business, the real "native*' can say 

Pax Vobiscum ! and lay 

His head upon a stump. 

Not even troubling to jump 



MIAMI 79 

When he hears 

The swift in-take of breath which appears 

To be 

The 

Preliminary custom of the rattlesnake 

Before it decides to take 

A few bites from its prospective lunch — 

For even snakes have a hunch 

To keep away from a lone 

"Native" who has troubles enough of his own. 

But, nevertheless, Miami by day 

Is a dream of green and gray 

Delight, 

And when the night 

Falls o'er Biscayne Bay 

And its ripples play 

Tag with each ray 

Of moonlight, 

That, indeed, is a wondrous sight! 

Brave yachts ride 

On the trembling tide, 

Their twinkling lamps smiling 

At the fairy darkness which is beguiling 

The on-looker not to call it Night. 

Tall palms, bedight 

With the sheen 

Of ghostly green. 

Silhouetted against the far 

Horizon where angry waves of the ocean are 

Forever seeking conflict with the quiet Bay! 

The gay 

Strains of a distant mandolin coming o'er 



80 IDLE MOMENTS IN FLORIDA 

The waters, and to the shore 

Crooningly conies the Southern breeze, 

From over distant seas, 

Where it has kissed forgotten waves 

And still it saves 

Caresses for the brow of this fair Night. 

And now my thoughts take flight 

To the white 

Sands on Anastasia Isle 

With the smile 

Of the same moon on old Mantanzas Bay, 

Where the same ripples play 

The same 

Game 

With each delighted ray ! 

And so, I say, 

Mantanzas and Biscayne 

Remain 

In memory Queens of Night! 

Twin Sisters of Delight 

A sight 

Fit to feast the eye 

Of the gods, for try 

Where you may, 

Biscayne or Mantanzas Bay 

Under a tropic moon 

With the world-old tune 

Of the distant sea 

For an accompanying melody. 

Is the 

Ultimate in Beauty, and no gleaming star 

Is so far 



MIAMI 81 

Away 

That it cannot play 

Its part 

In Nature's fairest Panorama of Art. 

Hail! Miami! Hail! and good-by! 

And, with a passing sigh, 

Hail, St. Augustine! 

Queen 

Of Matanzas Bay! 

Hail and farewell — until another day. 



MR. EIDEL WEISS 

I met him one evening In the lounge of the Al- 
cazar In St. Augustine. 

He talked and I listened. And so the evening 
wore on. 



I am py birth A Sviss chentleman py der name of 
Weiss. Ven I vas qvlte young In der age I hat 
such a hesitation In my ambition dot many peoples 
t'ought I vas der laziest boy In our commune. I 
t'Ink dot Is der reason vy my fadder christened me 
py der name of Eldel. He set dot for laziness I 
vas der flower of der family so he called me Eldel 
Weiss. 

But I ofercrew dis pleasant disease owing to a 
bunch of seasickness I ackvlred ven I emigranted to 
dIs country on a steamship vich dit a nautical shimmy 
all der vay from Havre to der Hook of Sandy. 

It Is now forty years since I came py dIs glorious 
land of der Stars and Strikes, bud to dIs day venefer 
I catch a gllmpus of der ocean I lean ofer to der 
north-vest und mit strange noises In my t'roat I begin 
vigvagging for a doctor. 

Since I am py dIs country I haf played many parts 
in der pannermama ve call Life. Falrst I vas der 
assistant floorvalker mIt a plumber und it vas dare 

82 



MR. EIDELWEISS 88 

I learned how beautiful and eggsclting is der idea 
of highway robbery. 

From den on it vas der ambition of my young life 
to make a name for myself in der highway robbery 
pitzness, so I studied und studied und finefully my 
ambition vas sterilized und I became a head vaiter. 

All I hat to do vas to make a low bow to a lot 
of veil-dressed peoples, und if dey hat der courage to 
slip me a cubble of dollars I vould point dem at a 
table und let dem battle mit der menu card, because 
none but der brafe deserf der bill of fare. 

As der poet says it, "All der vorld's a stage und 
eferybody vants to be der stage driver." Vich is 
true, bud only a few know how to handle der reins. 
It ain't der vay you crack der vip, it's der vay you 
steer your horses dot gets you vare you vish to vent 
in dis vorld. 

A head vaiter mit a pleasant smile and a keen 
knowletch of polite robbery can get far ouid on der 
road to riches eggspecially if he has a chack-knife 
attachments between der collar-bone und der sub- 
basement vich permissions him to bow politefully for 
eight hours a day mitouid losing der smile vich goes 
mit it. 

Und so it aind long before my leedle bank account 
crew und crew und efery night I vould go home mit 
der spoils und say my prayers to Jesse James. 

Und ven it came time to buy Liperty Bonds I vas 
able to go ouid und pick up an armful big enough to 
paper t'ree rooms in our apartment. 

As der poet says it, "Dem dot has — gits." Und 
nefer vas a truer vord spoken from der chest ouid. 



84 IDLE MOMENTS IN FLORIDA 

Holding up a train has der disatvantagement of cli- 
mate und perhaps der moon ain't right on a t'ick 
fog might come und spoil der toot assemble or some- 
ding. Bud ven a veil-meaning head vaiter stands 
smiling in front of a money-lined chentlemans mit a 
desire in his heart to get a table near der chazz band 
so he can vatch der vimmens shaking deir camosoles 
it is der biggest skinch vich has yet been discofered 
by der Columbuses of Graft. 

Veil, anyvay, after being at der Rich Hotel for 
a cubble of years, und hafing made Captain Kitt und 
der price privateers und Robert Hood und Richard 
Dick Vittington und Americus Vesuvius und all dem 
udder pirates look like a flock of Sunday school boys 
I got a idea in der head und I vent home to speak 
abouid it to Mrs. Eidel Weiss, because I always in- 
sult her abouid everyt'ing. 

"Mrs. Eidel Weiss, my dear," I set to her, **I 
haf an idea!" 

"Really," she responded, mit a scornful up-turn- 
ing of der eyebrows. "Is it annoying you mit much 
pain or does it took der formation of a fever? An 
idea in your head, my dear Eidel, is in der same po- 
sition as a stranger in a strange land und ve must 
be kind mit strangers. Leave us approach mit cau- 
tion dis idea vich py some mistake has strayed into 
your head. It may be timid und stampede und leave 
feet-tracks all ofer your brain, is it not so, Eidel?" 

You know, efer since I took all my safings and 
financialed a munitions factory during der var and 
made myself a fortune, Mrs. Eidel Weiss has been 
afflictioned mit sarcasm of der langvitch. She gets 



MR. EIDELWEISS 85 

dis habit from a friend of hers by der name of Mrs. 
Muffin vich has a husband vich made a fortune ven 
he inventioned a paper match dot breaks in two at 
der fishological moment ven you vish to Hght your 
cigar In a hurry. Mrs. Muffin is vot der French 
call a nouveau-riche — vich means a fresh rich. 

A fresh rich is a person vich gets good money 
faster den dey get good manners. 

Mrs. Muffin believes in sarcasting her langvitch 
ven speaking mit her husband und der udder serv- 
ants in der house, und Mrs. Weiss, vich is alvays on 
der lookould for somet'ing new In household amuse- 
ments, has introductioned dis idea In our home mit 
der result dot der servants vich formally became olt 
und gray in our service py spending nearly a veek 
mit us now leave like der trains from New York for 
Phlllymadelphia — every hour on der hour. 

Veil, anyvay, ven Mrs. Weiss sarcasticated me I 
responsed her briefly, *'Voman,'^ I set, ''many ideas 
get In my head und many Ideas get ould again. A 
man's brain is like a railroad station vich Is no good 
mit all going ould and nothing coming in. A vise 
man's brain should be like a reception committee 
und should shake hands und smile at efery idea dot 
comes up to it. If you doan'd Hke der idea after 
you smile at it, awoid it der next time. Bud, voman, 
my dear, ven a person gets der notion In her head 
dot sarcasting her husband Is vun of der keenest of 
Indoor sports den her brain vlll soon become like 
Tennyson's cook — vich Is leaving forefer." 

Mrs. Weiss yust looked at me, gulped a cubble 
of times und fell backvards und subsidized veakly 



86 IDLE MOMENTS IN FLORIDA 

on der sofa, breathing deeply through her nose, 
beaten, crushed, vounded to der heart, but cured of 
her sarcastlcalness^ — for der time being. 

"Vot, Eldel," she set after a slight silence, "Vot 
IS dis nice idea vich has moofed into der nice fur- 
nished room under your nice roof — tell me, Eidel, 
please!" 

*'Voman, my dear," I set, "I vas now rich enough 
to say dot money ain'd eferyding in dis vorld — und 
believe it is true ven I say it. A lot of men spend 
der best part of deir lives getting rich und der rest 
of deir lives holding on to it. Und den all of a sud- 
dent dot old rascal called Death comes along, picks 
deir pockets, snatches deir bankroll und sends dem 
on a long woyage midouid a penny to bless demselfs 
mit — so vot is der use ? Now, Voman, my dear, my 
idea is dis. I vill gif up working und make myself 
into a retirement, und mit der childrens ve vill trafel, 
und trafel und see der vorld. In der vinter time ve 
vill go to Florida und vish ve vas in California. Der 
next vinter ve vill go to California und vish ve vas 
in Florida. In der summer for a leedle vile ve vill go 
to der Catskin Mountains und for annuder leedle 
vile ve vill go py Newport und see der bare skins in 
der svim. In udder vords, Voman, my dear, ve vill 
enchoy der money dot I made vile ve vas liflng, be- 
cause aftervards if I take gold mit me to vun place 
dey vill use it to make streets, und if I take my paper 
money to der udder place it vill burn — so vot's der 
use? Dare, Voman, my dear, is der big idea! I 
vill make a retirement from der pizness of making 



MR. EIDELWEISS 87 

money under false expenses, und ve vill trafel und 
see der vorld!" 

Mrs. Weiss yust looked at me und set, "Who vill 
ve get to bring der trunks up ouid of der basement?" 

Can you beat such? 

Here I haf made der most important epochs of 
my life. I haf t'rown oferboard mit vun fell soup 
all der additions of a lifetime; I haf cut der cable 
vich anchors me to der bed rock of easy money and 
my wife calmfully inkvires who vill bring der trunks 
up from der basement ! 

Ain't dot a vimmens? 



COME YE BACK! 



''Those who once get the sand of St. Augustine in 
their shoes and stray away into far lands will ever 
after have a longing in their hearts to return to the 
Ancient Town.'^ — Indian Legend. 



I 



I am weary of the City 

And the never-ceasing beat 
Of the hurried onward trampling 

Of a hundred thousand feet; 
And my thoughts turn always Southward 

To that spot so far away 
Where the breezes through the palm trees 

Make them beckon me and say, 
"Come ye back and rest beneath us! 

Come ye back, now don't refuse!" 
O the sand of old St. Augustine 

Is surely in my shoes! 



II 



I am standing on the ramparts 
Of the Fort so grimly gray 
88 



COMEYEBACK! 89 

Where the breezes romp, then scurry 

Over blue Matanzas Bay; 
And I'm gazing off to seaward 

Where the distant breakers roar, 
And they murmur while caressing 

Anastasia's lovely shore, 
"Come ye back again and watch us! 

Come ye back, now don't refuse!" 
O the sand of old St. Augustine 

Is surely in my shoes. 



Ill 



I am strolling in the sunlight 

Through the street of George the Saint 
With its overhanging balconies 

And buildings queerly quaint; 
There a mocking bird is singing 

In a cage above a door, 
And in memory I hear him 

Trilling sweetly o'er and o'er, 
"Come ye back again and listen! 

Com -e back, now don't refuse!" 
O thf of old St. Augustine 

P .urely in my shoes. 



IV 



I'm lounging in the Swimming Pool, 
Where Youth in muscle grows. 



90 IDLE MOMENTS IN FLORIDA 

Where "Forrest" goes "a-snagglng" 

With his glasses on his nose; 
Where the "Judge" with jokes is present — 

Also "Apple," "Mills" and "Dike," 
And I seem to hear a whisper 

From a tiny little tyke, 
"Come ye back again, applaud us! 

Come ye back, now don't refuse!" 
O the sand of old St. Augustine 

Is surely In my shoes. 



On the Highway out to Hastings, 

Where the grand "peraties" are, 
I am riding with "Bob" Stephens 

In his nifty jaunting car; 
Brown and Felkel mark the miles off 

As we gayly speed along, 
And methinks I'm sure and certain 

This the burden of their song, 
"Come ye back, come back, you're welcome I 

Come ye back, now don't refuse !" 
O the sand of old St. Augustine 

Is surely in my shoes. 



VI 



I am dreaming in the Plaza 

When the Dark hath fallen down 



COMEYEBACK! 91 

And the peace of other ages 

Settles o'er the sleeping town; 
Southern stars are brightly gleaming 

And the NIght-wInds pasing by, 
Crooning gently, crooning softly, 

'Round about me pause and sigh, 
"Come ye back! come back and rest ye I 

Come ye back, now don't refuse!" 
O the sand of old St. Augustine 

Is surely in my shoes. 



VII 

Years and years may roll between us 

And it may be Fate's decree 
That those kindly, smiling faces 

Nevermore In Life I'll see; 
But while Mem'ry lives I'll picture 

Waving palms that beckon me. 
And the wild birds to my heart shall 

Ever sing this melody, 
"Come ye back, come back among us! 

Come ye back, now don't refuse!'* 
O the sand of old St. Augustine 

Is surely in my shoes. 



THE BOOK OF RO TARY 

In St. Augustine — in the oldest house in the old- 
est city in our new world oftentimes have I browsed 
amongst the relics of by-gone days, and pondered 
thereon. 

It may be that on this particular occasion within 
those memory-haunted walls I dreamed, but dream- 
ing or waking methought I came upon an ancient 
tome — a book, mildewed with age, finger-printed by 
the passing of innumerable years and thumb-marked 
by antiquity. 

Dreaming or waking, I marked it well, for I re- 
member almost its every word, and those words I 
shall set down herewith and await the honor of your 
perusal. 

The title oage of this ancient book read in this 
wise : 

**Ye Booke of Ro Tary which ye same hath been 
translated from ye Jiieroglyphics on ye ancient 
toomhes of ye Kings in Egypt and is herewith made 
into ye Englishe language by Brother Sebastian, 
Anno Domino, Seventeen Hundred and Sixty-Four^ 

Then followed on the next page the introduction 
to the original ^'Book" which had been written upon 

- 92 



THE BOOK OF RO TARY 93 

stone by an Egyptian historian when the second Ra- 
meses was a child in arms. 



And I, Geor, the Scribe, have collected these 
thoughts and I have graven them upon stone hard 
by the Temple of Isis. 

And I have put these thought upon stone and they 
shall abide here near the great market place so that 
those who run may read and give heed thereto. 

And many wise men in Egypt have already drawn 
nigh and have signified their approval. 

And they are known to be wise men and there are 
none wiser in all Egypt, from the Pyramids, which 
are now building, to the remotest boundary. 

And these men are by name the following: 

Jon Gan Non, who doth make a great light to 
illumine our homes and when the bill doth come for- 
ward for this illumination many are those who do 
protest wrongfully at its enormity with much froth- 
ing at the mouth. 

Jo Rah Ner, who holdeth in the hollow of his 
hand all travel on the banks of the Nile, and if thou 
kickest because thou hast drawn an upper when thou 
wisheth a lower berth he will tell thee where thou 
gettest off. 

Geob Assett, who standeth high in the favor of 
Rameses, the King, as a prophet of the law, and who 
will one day be a Grand Vizier in Lower Egypt. 

Char Les Young, who hath a kindly soul and 
who doth keep a caravansary hard by the fortifica- 
tions where in the shadow of his friendly smile voy- 



94/ IDLE MOMENTS IN FLORIDA 

ageurs may rest a weary head save only when they 
are disturbed by motor boats upon the Nile. 

Xav Ier Lo Pez, who hath a surprising bazaar 
hard by the water front, whence go many purchasers, 
even from distant Nineveh, and Babylon and Pa- 
latka. 

JiMiNG Ra Ham, who hath land to sell thee to suit 
thine every purpose, and if thou hast no purpose he 
will sell it thee anyway. 

Gassow Ayla Mar, he who is high in finance and 
hath the treasures of Rameses in his keeping and 
hath also that which few High Treasurers possess, 
a kind and courtly manner the which he has con- 
stantly with him and locks it never in his vaults. 

BoBST Ephens, who doth supply with food the 
dwellers in the Palace, aye, even doth he send food 
to those who live in tents, and is ever in high es- 
teem. 

O Tis Bar Nes, who doth wager with thee large 
sums of money that plagues of fire shall not burn 
thy bungalows and neither shall plagues of grass- 
hoppers destroy the breakfast food growing in thy 
fields, and if, peradventure, he is in error then doth 
he pay thee promptly. 

Alb Ert Wal Ker, whose reward shall be great 
when Cometh the final allotment, for he ministers 
to those who walk in darkness and he is their staff 
to lean upon. 

Fredhend Er Ich, who draweth for thee the 
symbols of thy future habitation and who buildeth 
it for thee and when thou movest in thou findest it 
ever as thou specified and he remaineth thy friend. 



THEBOOKOFROTARY 95 

MuR Ray Sea Gears, who is the physician ex- 
traordinary to Rameses, the King, and is a man of 
great skill who goeth among the poor with cooling 
hands to allay their fever even as he goeth among 
the rich. 

Claren Cela Mont, who is a tamer of devil- 
waggons and who doth look the deadly six-cylinder 
in the eye without fear or trembling. 

Ol Lief Ant, who will transport thee across the 
Nile in his red barouches even unto the abode of 
the crocodiles, and who sendeth parchments abroad 
with many frozen figures thereon, but whose kindly 
eye gives no man the ice-house glare. 

Fran Kpar Ker, who when the plague of blow- 
outs falleth upon thee and maketh thee tired, will 
tire thee over and over again until thou art tired 
of being tired, whereupon he will cause thy battery 
to be recharged and thou shalt rejoice. 

Clau Des Mith, who hath a fancy bazaar where 
the ladies of the court of Rameses are wont to sit by 
the hour, pricing this and pricing that and finding 
great pleasure in pawing the precious silks, but pur- 
chasing infrequently. 

Hen Ry Hankb Rown, who compileth the day's 
doing and layeth all these before Rameses at even- 
tide ; who is known in both Upper and Lower Egypt 
as a goodly scout with an earnest desire to serve his 
people, an unsullied appetite and a splendid Record. 

Herbf El Kel, who is also a Scribe and who 
hath a wit so nimble that it is even as a whirling 
dervish in a Joseph's coat of many colors dancing 
in the sunlight; and with a stencil on papyrus he 



90 IDLE MOMENTS IN FLORIDA 

prints many quaint thoughts and lays these before 
Rameses, whereupon the King laugheth immoder- 
ately, and exclaimeth, "Herbf El Kel, of a verity, 
thou art a case! Why does a chicken — ha, ha, ha, 
ha ! Thou hast made my sides to ache and for this 
thy name shall be spread even as a pleasant smile 
over all of Egypt. Why does a chicken — ha, ha, ha, 
ha!— Oh, boy!" 

And these are the wise men of Egypt and they 
are my friends and they are witness that I have 
graven upon stone the words which hereinafter fol- 
loweth : 

And this is the Book of Ro Tary. 

And in these days there are Giants and they dwell 
in that which is called Ro Tary. 

And Ro Tary is built upon a High Spot in the 
Land of Endeavor. 

And those who dwell In Ro Tary are men of clear 
vision and they are concerned *with the Future of 
all things. 

And in Ro Tary they worship a goddess named 
Truth. 

And this goddess named Truth is ever a partner 
in their business enterprises, and It is she who makes 
them to flourish even as a bay tree. 

And those who fall to lay sacrifices at the feet 
of the goddess named Truth, and who cease to do 
her homage, find themselves full soon far from Ro 
Tary, and they go to live in barren lands and are dis- 
consolate. 

And there is a budding vine In Ro Tary and from 
this, vine is extracted the Milk of Human Kindness. 



THE BOOK OF RO TARY 97 

And in Ro Tary this Milk of Fluman Kindness 
is the favorite beverage. 

And there are no cows, neither is there any bull 
in Ro Tary. 

And there are feast days in Ro Tary and those 
who dwell therein sit them down to that which is 
called a Lun Cheon. 

And at that which is called a Lun Cheon there are 
many viands and those who dwell in Ro Tary say 
one unto the other, "Let us eat, drink and make 
merry for with the passing of the hour we shall be 
back in our counting houses!" 

And at these Lun Cheons in Ro Tary they par- 
take of the Mince of the Chicken, and the Mash of 
the Potato and the Stew of the Corn, and they make 
merry, mentioning in kindly manner one and an- 
other's foibles. 

And even as they eat the Mash of the Potato 
and the Stew of the Corn their ears are attuned to 
catch such words of wisdom as may fall from their 
neighbor's lips. 

And those who dwell in Ro Tary are ever kind 
to the Stranger within their Gates, and they bid him 
also to be present at their Lun Cheon. 

And the Stranger within their Gates is enthroned 
and made much of. 

And willing hands crowd upon his plate the Mince 
of the Chicken and the Stew of the Corn, and honest 
voices make him a royal welcome. 

And when the moments of mastication are over 
the Stranger within the Gates is invited to speak 
briefly, for the dwellers in Ro Tary are ever eager 



98 IDLE MOMENTS IN FLORIDA 

to gaze upon the precious stones of thought which 
strangers from far lands sometimes carry with them. 

And if, peradventure, the Stranger prove himself 
to be that which is called an Onion, and orates pom- 
pously for that length of time which is called inter- 
minable, and utters no precious stones of thought 
save only those which concern himself and his man- 
servants and his maid-servants and his oxen and his 
asses, then do those who dwell in Ro Tary show the 
gentleness of their breeding, for they throw at the 
Stranger none of that which is called the Stew of the 
Corn, neither do they hurl in his direction the Sliver 
of the Pie. 

And when the Stranger hath fully explained that 
he is a self-made man and hath produced all the 
original blue-prints, and hath told how proud he is of 
his own achievement in subtracting nothing from 
nothing and having one to carry, and hath sat him 
down in his pride, and hath ceased from troubling, 
then do those who dwell in Ro Tary applaud him 
loudly and with shining eyes, for such is the good- 
ness in their hearts that they will swat no one who 
partakes of Lun Cheon with them, save only the 
flies. 

And there is no Deceit in Ro Tary, for long be- 
fore the Stranger had arrived they drank deep of 
their favorite beverage which is the Milk of Hu- 
man Kindness, and they were prepared for any 
emergency, even unto the uttermost. 

And they have a Song in Ro Tary, and that Song 
is not written in flats, neither is it written in sharps, 
but is sung ever in that key which is called b-natural. 



THE BOOK OF RO TARY 99 

And this Is the Song they sing In Ro Tary : 

Let the green grass grow 

All around, all around; 
Let the old rain softly fall; 

Let the flowers spring up 

From the ground, from the ground; 
Let the wild birds sweetly call. 

There is sun enough 
To shine for us all. 
If we don't 

Stand hack in the shade; 
There is joy galore 

For every man — 
// not — 

Then more will he made 

By the Ro Ro Ro Ro Rotary! 

(By the Ro! By the Ro! By the Ro!) 
To Smiles be a Vo Vo Votary — 

(Letter go! Letter go! Letter go!) 
If Grouch wants to sell you 

Melancholy or the Blues 
Kick him out of your office, 

Put some Pep in your Shoes — 
Get a Smile on your face. 

Keep it there and Enthuse 
With the Ro! 
With the Ro! 

With theRo! Ro! Ro! 
With the Ro Ro Ro Ro Rotary! 



100 IDLE MOMENTS IN FLORIDA 

And those who dwell In Ro Tary are of a keen 
perception, albeit they frolic betimes as becometh 
all wise men, yet do they frivol never. 

And they are not that which Is called a Club and 
which hath for Its foundation the shifting sands of 
sociability; rather are they a Blessing to the Com- 
munity, for they are steadfast In the Right. 

And those who dwell In Ro Tary are Argus-eyed, 
and each eye searcheth out only that which Is for 
the general good of the Commonweal. 

And there are dreamers of dreams In Ro Tary 
and there are also magicians who turn those dreams 
Into glorious realities, and In this manner are the 
eternal verities observed. 

And they have Laws In Ro Tary and these Laws 
are the Keystone in their triumphal arch of Success. 

And these are their Laws ; 



Thou shalt not worship money, but thou shalt 
hold It In high esteem lest In the midst of Assets 
thou art in Liabilities. 

II 

Thou shalt remember that fair-dealing is thy chief 
stock In trade, and when thou runneth out of fair- 
dealing thou also runneth out of business. 

Ill 

Thou shalt not kill the smile upon thy neighbor's 
face. 



THE BOOK OF RO TARY 101 
IV 

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's jitney, nor his 
talking machine, nor his wife's ability to brew un- 
sanctlfied beer in their private catacombs, for he 
who findeth time to covet is a loafer, and he who 
loafeth hath discovered the pathway to Oblivion. 



Thou shalt not steal thy neighbor's thunder. 
Rather shalt thou manufacture thine own thunder, 
for the Heavens are wide and there is room therein 
for every Big Noise. 

VI 

Thou shalt honor thy name and thy Promissory 
Note that thy days may be long in the Land of 
Business. 

VII 

Thou shalt remember the Lun Cheon day and 
keep it wholly in mind, for on that day thou shalt 
exchange ideas one with another and be comforted. 

VIII 

Thou shalt not be a seeker after Easy Money, for 
he who seeketh Easy Money is a follower of the 
Will o' the Wisp which leadeth ever into the 
Swamps of Despair. 



102 IDLE MOMENTS IN FLORIDA 

IX 

Thou shalt view thy services to thy Community 
as a pleasurable burden, and thou shalt not find this 
burden heavy, neither shalt thou drop this burden 
until thin eyes are dimmed by age and thy body 
weary in well-doing. 

X 

Thou shalt put thine own business first, but if thy 
Community calleth thee then shalt thou make an- 
swer and say, "The first shall be last," and doing 
this thou shalt be a precept to thy neighbor and a 
lamp to his feet. 



THE END 



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